You are viewing acelines

Sep. 13th, 2014

Yui in the sky

Fear + fear?

Again, years later, it's very weird to read some of my stuff of the past...

I'm almost at a point where I will have to prove myself I'm an active person with agency and a brain and "dreams"... it's weird how you could be superbly great at dreaming and then grow up and just.. find it so difficult. I still don't have any answers. I keep waiting for someone to tell me; it's okay, you'll figure it out, you'll find the work of your dreams, the life of your dreams. Seems like nobody believes that anymore. Life's just mediocre, and the best part of day is.. what, being at home and watching the new episode of whatever? I want more. But I'm very scared I've become depleted.

I'm just as unsure as I was years ago. Even if I think I understand my insecurities more, that doesn't help me change them. Today I'm not going to a party because I don't want to see this someone. I have to let go. I have to become myself. Act for me. But nothing seems great to "do" anymore, I feel like all I do every day is observing.. distracting myself, listening to other people..

But who am I kidding, I still have the same exact dream I did all those years ago, but I'm afraid I'm just not good enough. Maybe I'll be one of those people who are well into their 50's and make stupid amateur films and show them at shorts festival nights with about 8 visitors, along with young students who actually go to film school with their stuff, one of those old folks who are kind of dim and have very generic short movies with probably great equipment but... are not bringing anything new and special into the world, and ultimately forgotten. Maybe I'll never understand the world or people enough.

It's all making me a bit sad tonight. Usually I'm alright. I think I'm better than last year anyway.. so I just have to keep it up.

Dec. 20th, 2012

Yui in the sky

Wow

Wow is the only word to describe my feelings at this revisitation of my livejournal! It has been approximately four years - FOUR YEARS - since I last came here, it is a true though small trip down memory lane.

I can't really believe how much has happened in my life, how I've changed over the years, how I've stayed the same in some respects (though I cannot say whether this is in the annoying or pathetic sense or whether this is actually a blessing). I have been a floater, I suppose, these last couple of years.

I graduated middle school, on my 18th, 6 years of gymnasium, subjects I loved and hated, straight, with no retakes. I was scared. I wasn't particularly happy or delightful about the future, the only deep feeling I had when I got my phone call informing me of my passing, was relief. Relief I didn't have to disappoint anyone, because obviously, disappointing a parent is the worst thing in the world, worse than being unhappy. It's funny how one can keep trying, running away from certain grounds, the past, their whole fundaments, and how much it can bite you in the ass. After middle school in which I didn't have to make any choice of my own, I suddenly had to make one anyway. How the hell do you make your own choice, when your parents, your teachers, have been telling you what you're good at, what you ought to find interesting and important, when you haven't made up your own mind? And really, is it your own choice? You have been brought up a certain way, with values, memories, certain standards, and a clear way seems to be made. But I didn't want that. I threw myself down a hole I had no idea where it lead. I went on to go to Art School, because they accepted me. For the first time in my life, I had to prove myself, and I could be rejected. But I was accepted.. and nothing else seemed very important to me. Somehow it felt good, as if I was special, as if I could be something noone had foreseen. This was something my parents weren't very keen on (I could tell), because I was the only one of us three who could easily have gone on to go to a university, get a good reliable job. Maybe I wanted to be like my brothers, who are older, always a step ahead in life and coolness, who always seemed to stand on one cloud above me, unreachable, better, needless to say I held them on a pedestal, as I still do. But I'm a thinker. I think too much. I do too little. That was my mistake in Arts School. Also my impending doom, the attachment I made to the idea of becoming a film maker. That is my one delusion, my beautiful dream, that I can't seem to crush. Not yet, I suppose.

After Art School was a year of work. Hanging out with friends. Dumbing and numbing myself down. I was never so unhappy I think. All of my insecurities came into the picture. I went to a psych for a couple of times, whom I told about my depressive moods, how it seemed I had more bad days than good days. How I always worry and hold myself back. Even at the psych, I was still often scared of how I was just another pathetic human being. With dreams I couldn't make real. Because, if they can't become reality, they end up just delusions, which can strangle you, hold you back, make you miserable. I feel like it might.

Now I'm back in school. University. Philosophy. It's hard. I feel stupid. I feel like I have to be a lot better. But I do feel older than the people in my class. I feel like I know a little bit more of the shits of the world. I just have to find a way to study again, teach myself, learn, concentrate. That used to be my strong point. I wonder if I can find that again, refocus, do my best, become secure in my abilities. I should have them. The end of januari I will try my application for Film Academy, I think my last. That will be the turning point.

Kisses from yourself on the 20th of December.

Don't forget you are not alone. And you like someone who seems to understand you. It has only been a week and a half, and you feel more like the world is actually working in a way it is supposed to, according to everyone else. It seems nice, this world.

Sep. 28th, 2008

Yui

You're so stupid and perfect and stupid and perfect..

Wow, I actually posted after about a month! I'm getting better!

This song has been going through my head for almost a week now.. "Again and Again" by the Bird and the Bee. Really addicting song, I really like their music. A bit weird or indie or retro and it sounds catchy.

Read da rest...Collapse )

Aug. 23rd, 2008

Yui in the sky

Saturday

Ah wooof!
Yesterday was a long, exciting and very interesting day.
I actually walked and sat and talked alongside a Huisarts/General Practitioner/Medical Practitioner/House Doctor yesterday.

In the morning, from about half 9 to 12, we had appointments with various people, who would come over and had their blood pressure tested or asked about medication and ways of curing their illnes or pains. It was super interesting. The GP I was with, a very positive, kind and active woman called Marcia, let me think along and explained everything I didn't understand.

Before lunch, we went on a house visit of an old man in a home for older people, often with mental or physical problems. He had a very rare disease called Huntington. Marcia had to talk with him and see if he had to go see a neurologist. It didn't seem like he understood exactly what he was asked, so she talked with the nurse instead. It was a bit scary and weird, and a little sad somehow to come. His room wasn't very large, and stalled on his cupboards were pictures, probably of him and his wife (though I wasn't sure whether she was still alive). It was raining very hard outside, so we had to run from Marcia's car to the place and back. It was really interesting, and Marcia too said I was lucky we had to visit this man today (Huntington's disease really is rare, it's a genetic neurological disorder, with bad coordination and abnormal body movement and mental problems)

Lunch was a bit awkward since I knew practically nobody, so I just kept a bit in the background and spoke when I was talked to. I really do have to work on my shyness I guess!

After that, we had a few more people come. Over the day, loads of different stuff came by. We started off in the morning with two pairs of older but still very vital couples who came by to check their blood pressures (it was alright on both). We also had people with reumatic problems, ear pain, chickenpox (varicella), acne problems, heart rhythm problems.. I'm afraid I won't remember everything, so I should definitely write it down. It was really interesting and I learned loads, especially in how they went about to see what was the matter with people.

I'm still just going to my fifth year of middle school (second of highschool?), but it was really fun. I'll try to finish school first (and survive), and after that figure out what I'm gonna become.
Tags: ,

Jun. 3rd, 2008

Yui in the sky

Wow a year!

I can't believe it's almost been a year since I wrote here! I always found it quite awkward, so maybe I should just try again.

So, hi. I am now 16, very very tired of this day and quite eager to finish school and start vacation.

Now listening to nothing, but now... Galaxies by Laura Veirs.

What happened today? Not much really.. School from 8 to 3, home, trying to do some homework, slacking off and listening to too much music, worrying about chemistry test in two days. Speaking of that, I should definitely start doing some of those extra exercises on that website.

Short entry but it's to meet with livejournal again.
Tags:

Jul. 17th, 2007

Yui in the sky

Air Traffic's album!

YES!!!!!!
Air Traffic finally brought out their debut album, called "Fractured Life"! Air Traffic is a pretty new band, though I think they're becoming more and more popular (because seriously, who doesn't like their songs? They're catchy!). They stood on several festivals, like London Calling, Parkpop (which I know about, because that's in Holland.), and they've toured around England mostly I think. I've never seen them live ( ;_;, very jealous of my brother and his girlfriend too because they have!), but I've seen them on youtube a lot.. they're brilliant! If you've got the time, just type in some of their songs... Charlotte (my favorite of theirs), Never Even Told Me (her name), and now their newest; Shooting Star! Oh right, they're a british indieband btw.



Have you ever seen a shooting star?Collapse )

Jul. 11th, 2007

Yui in the sky

The beginning?

Well, hey!
First entry here.
Now what to write about.. and I wonder who's going to read this!
I'll just start with why I decided to make a journal..
As you've noticed, it's summertime (the weather is saying differently, but officially it is.), and I've been thinking of making some sort of blog for a while now. Summer can often get really boring (friends on vacation, no school..), and this seemed sort of fun. Maybe I can upload photo's, write some stories, share some info or stuff I find interesting. So, I might just update and stuff from now on.

A little about me? I'm Celine (actually my middle name, but since it's so underrated, thought I might use it here!), 15 years old now, and I live in Rotterdam, in the Netherlands. I like.. tons of different things. I like different things overally, actually. I like... sunsets, full moons, music, movies, drama's (J. especially :) ), philosophy, books (HP7 just a week away!!), drawing, photographing, mindless surfing over the internet, watching (weird/musical) clips on youtube, searching for new bands (like names, titles of songs..), series on normal TV; Grey's Anatomy, 15-love (when it USED to come on >:O ), probably some I'm forgetting here, but ofcourse as I've said before, drama's which I watch over the internet (I have no choice though! Can't get it here.) talking about japanese ones here: Hana Yori Dango, Nobuta wo Produce, 1 Litre of Tears (or Ichi Rittoru no Namida), Stand Up!!, and lately Hanazakari no Kimitachi e (or something, just say Hanakimi).

About music, I love a lot of different things.. I love rock (sometimes leaning to pop) like Paramore, less poppish rock like the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, more rougher rock like He Is Legend or Alexisonfire, and then weirder stuff like the Klaxons, Hadouken (I'm not sure what to call them.. new rave? wave? grimedie for H! ? maybe just alt!), :( (yes that's colonopenbracket!), oh yeah, softer rock like Air Traffic, I used to really like Be Your Own Pet (but they seemed to have stopped making music for some time ;s), I like indie music like Kate Nash, and sometimes I listen to japanese stuff (but sometimes it's less fun because I can't sing along :) ), stuff like Yui, Utada Hikaru, Remioromen (just two songs, but still :D)

So that's a little about my likes.. I could go on, but I'll just write stuff as I remember it.

So.. I'll be hoping to update some with pictures, maybe some stories, reviews..
For a starter.. let's get a different mood icon.. ;s

-Celine